The Eldest Daughters Who Became Parents
As eldest daughters with younger siblings, we were expected to step up as role models, something that some of us may not have grown out of yet.
What is the eldest daughter syndrome?
“Eldest daughter syndrome” refers to the positive and negative attributes and experiences that come with being the firstborn daughter in a family. While not an official mental health diagnosis, this term was popularized and brought to light in a viral Tiktok video by licensed family and marriage therapist, Kati Morton, who shared eight signs someone may have “eldest daughter syndrome.” Some of these signs include being an overachiever, developing people-pleasing behaviors, having difficulty with setting boundaries, and feeling a heightened sense of responsibility.
So why is this especially felt in immigrant families?
For eldest daughters in immigrant families, there is an added responsibility of helping their parents overcome challenges with disparities in society due to language and social or cultural understanding. Immigrant parents who live in the US may not fully understand or speak English, so eldest daughters often take on more roles as the translators and negotiators for them, on top of watching over any younger siblings or cousins. As the responsibility grows and sustains over time, eldest daughters can eventually feel like “second parents” in their families, not only being seen as another parent by their siblings but also as an additional guardian by their own parents.
How to Renegotiate Your Role
If you feel like you’re still in this position as the eldest daughter who became a “second parent,” then you’re not alone! Below are some ways we believe are helpful in redefining your role so you can just be a part of your family, rather than constantly shouldering a load of responsibility.
Practice setting boundaries
Have an honest conversation with your family
Look for self-help resources
Read “Permission to Come Home” by Dr. Jenny Wang, PhD
A guide to strengthening your mental health while embracing and honoring your heritage.
Check out Relating Between the Lines
AAPI-founded 8-week curriculum for listening skillfully and expressing yourself confidently
Instagram: @relatingbetweenthelines
Create or join a community of other eldest daughters
The Eldest Daughter Club, founded by Sherri Lu, was established to connect eldest daughters who want to understand themselves better through community and shared resources. (Instagram: @eldestdaughterclub)
Irene Evangelou helps eldest daughters heal high functioning anxiety at the root with guides, newsletters & podcasts! (Instagram: @heal.with.irene)
Consider finding a therapist who can help you renegotiate your role away from being a “second parent”
The Asian Mental Health Collective has a directory of 3000+ Asian therapists across the US and Canada! According to the Yellow Chair collective, selecting an Asian American therapist can be beneficial because they are likely to have experienced similar feelings and mindsets, and can provide more tailored guidance.
Angela Wu is an empowerment coach helping Asian Americans break intergenerational cycles! (Instagram: @thesassyasiantherapist)
AAPI Therapist Directory: www.asiansformentalhealth.com
Dr. Jenny Wang, PhD: jennywangphd.com
The women of Lotus Magazine are no strangers to the impact of ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’ on AAPI families. For this piece, three staff writers and editors will share their distinct perspectives in the coming weeks, capturing the double-edged nature of being the eldest daughter in immigrant households.
Coming soon!
Coming soon!
Coming soon!
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